I often say that one of the greatest gifts my mom ever gave me was the latitude and space to develop relationships with safe, caring adults outside our home – whether they were my friends’ parents, one of my mom’s close friends or a teacher. I think she instinctively knew that rather than diminish our mother-daughter relationship, these adults would make me feel seen and valued and provide solid counsel as I grew into adulthood. And they did.
My experience is not simply a pleasant anecdote. Research shows that for young children and teens, having adult relationships with people outside the home “increases the likelihood that they will flourish…and become productive adults.” These relationships also make kids “more likely to complete tasks…, remain calm in the face of challenges, show interest in learning new things, volunteer in the community…and talk with their parents about ‘things that really matter.’”
Being present for your kids’ friends, your friends’ kids, and/or your nieces and nephews will positively impact their lives AND yours. It doesn’t matter if these young people have a solid home life with engaged parents or if they live with parents who really aren’t available to them. All children benefit from relationships with other compassionate adults. Knowing the benefits I received, from the time my kids were young I made it a practice to be that person for other young people and not stand in the way of my kids forming meaningful relationships with other adults.
That didn’t mean I inserted myself in the lives of their friends or crossed the line and became their best buddy. Quite the opposite. I simply was consistently present by:
· Introducing myself when they came into my home for the first time
· Greeting and acknowledging them every subsequent time they visited
· Making sure they felt welcome and safe
· Offering snacks and inviting them to stay for dinner with the family
· Congratulating them on their achievements
· Always sharing the house rules so they knew what the limits were
I also lived by a slogan common today: If you see something, say something. If one of my kids’ friends was leaving late, I asked if they had safe transit home and, if not, I offered to drive them or called a ride service. If a friend looked sad, I acknowledged it and made sure they knew I was available if they wanted to talk. And when they made mistakes and broke the rules, I confronted them offered the space to recognize their misstep and repair.
Now that many of these young people are older, they still know I’m a trusted caring adult they can count on. Some of them regularly call on me to provide advice or support. I’ve helped others with college essays, resumes and referred them for jobs. I also reach out to them to congratulate them on a milestone or achievement or even to ask for advice! These multigenerational relationships are enriching, meaningful and immensely satisfying for all involved.
The adults who stood by me in my youth changed me for the better; the acceptance and love I felt shored me up at a time when I lacked confidence. Although they are not all still in my life, one of them, my high school Spanish teacher, remains a friend and ally to this day. If I haven’t said it enough, thank you Arlette for seeing potential in me I hadn’t yet discovered. And for the young people in my life, you have in me a loyal champion forever.